The Many Faces of Grief
Grief comes in many shapes, forms, symptoms. The most important aspect to keep in mind with grief is that the experience can be unpredictable and at times “messy”. I liked to use the analogy of grief being like an ocean and the tide. One minute it is calm and quiet, and the next minute the waves rise and the tide is high. This is how people might feel after a loss is fresh. They may have moments of acceptance and peace and then be a completely distraught the next minute. For people that might be type A, and or perfectionistic, this may be the hardest part of grief to come to terms with. In our western culture, grief is often not talked about enough and the bereft are allowed 3 days off for bereavement days, which seems so minuscule in light of the how traumatic the death of a loved one can be. In the following paragraphs, I will highlight the nuances of grief and suggest some coping skills. Additionally, it is important to note that people can experience grief not only after a death, but after as significant loss. Such losses might include a job, relationship (friendships/romantic), health issue, financial setbacks, etc.
The Grieving Process
Grief comes in many shapes, forms, symptoms. The most important aspect to keep in mind with grief is that the experience can be unpredictable and at times “messy”. I liked to use the analogy of grief being like an ocean and the tide. One minute it is calm and quiet, and the next minute the waves rise and the tide is high. This is how people might feel after a loss is fresh. They may have moments of acceptance and peace and then be a completely distraught the next minute. For people that might be type A, and or perfectionistic, this may be the hardest part of grief to come to terms with. In our western culture, grief is often not talked about enough and the bereft are allowed 3 days off for bereavement days, which seems so minuscule in light of the how traumatic the death of a loved one can be. In the following paragraphs, I will highlight the nuances of grief and suggest some coping skills. Additionally, it is important to note that people can experience grief not only after a death, but after as significant loss. Such losses might include a job, relationship (friendships/romantic), health issue, financial setbacks, etc.
Everyone experiences grief differently, but is it is not uncommon to have symptoms that may seem similar to depression after a loss. People may be sad, have frequent crying jags, sleep disturbances, weight loss or gain, loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable prior to the loss, irritability, and experience concentration difficulties, yet be preoccupied with their specific loss. Also, there can be a profound loneliness in the case of a loved one’s death. The bereft may emotionally and physically feel a deep longing/yearning for the deceased.
Coping
The only way to deal with grief is to go through it. I don’t know if I would say that people “get over” their grief, but perhaps they move forward in new and different ways. I have worked with clients and know loved ones who have buried their murdered children. These types of loss can make the grieving process even more complex. As such, having support and being able to talk about the loss is essential in navigating grief. Some rely on family and friends, church, etc. While others use their personal networks as well as a therapist and or a grief support group. Journaling can also be helpful in terms of releasing thoughts and emotions around the loss.
People who are grieving should keep the basics of DEER (Drink, eat, exercise and rest) acronym in mind. Simple things such as staying hydrated, eating nutritious foods, physical activity (even just a short 10-20 minute walk), and striving for good sleep hygiene can lighten the heavy load a bit when dealing with a loss. I learned of the DEER acronym through participating in a grief support group after I lost my dad in June 2019, and although so basic, I found it to be very helpful.
Based on my experience, psychoeducation is another helpful tool in the grieving process. Learning about the symptoms that people often go through, coping and support suggestions can be so affirming. In fact, if one is having trouble sleeping, having “go to” books can be so helpful. Two books that I found particularly helpful and have recommended to clients are How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando and It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Meghan Devine.
Lastly, spirituality can be source of comfort. For some people this may be organized religion, church prayer etc. While for others, spirituality can be tailor made and found in a recipe of more than 1 religion, nature, making art, and/or listening to music.
All in all, grief is not a linear process. The first year can be particularly challenging in getting through all the “firsts”, such as birthdays, holidays, etc. Initially, people may feel angry, depressed, and a sense of denial. Over time (this timetable is different for everyone), a level of acceptance and healing comes for many. They key is being patient and gentle with oneself and having the support to cross from the tumultuous ocean of grief to the shore of a level of peace.
